Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.