Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
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When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON