ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
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I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?