did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
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ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
We need to put an American base on the sun
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband