*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.