my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
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me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
when there are deer in the woods
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal