i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
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*pronounces patio like ratio
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
it must be school picture day
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Happy Taco Tuesday
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?