When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
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Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.