This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
You Might Also Like
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
My dog learned how to text
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.