[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
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[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex