Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
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Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
much to think about
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.