stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
You Might Also Like
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Okey dokey.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.