Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
You Might Also Like
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Carpe DM
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.