My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
You Might Also Like
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Message from the dog groomers
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..