A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
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You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
catch me on valentine’s day like
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.