This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
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Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok