SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
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One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome