What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
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[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Who does Amazon think I am?