A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
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Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
wishing you and yours all the best
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds