Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
You Might Also Like
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Yes
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Every house has this drawer
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week