None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
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I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.