Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
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meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Had an epiphany today.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married