5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.