The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
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І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]