If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
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Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Waiting for the Charmin
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*