My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
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Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
This is my favorite one of these!
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Aight bet
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.