Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
The answer is funnier than the question
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.