I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
You Might Also Like
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
2023 was just a warmup
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”