Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
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They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”