took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
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cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.