I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
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Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
6: are snakes just neck?
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.