[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
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You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.