rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
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“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I’m sure it’s fine.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”