We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
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My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
This is my cat’s medicine.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Knock Knock
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.