Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
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(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.