I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
You Might Also Like
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Classic German Shepherd 😂
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise