Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
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My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent