Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
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I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
good morning
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people