There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
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The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.