[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
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My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”