Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
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Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
shut up and take my money
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.