I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
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The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her