“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
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Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.