Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
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Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race