I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
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Cat is stressing him out.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.