Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
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If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Draw me like one of your French Fries.