ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
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Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
How is it still this week?
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Friends that check up on you >
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.