[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
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“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out