9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
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Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.