Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
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Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Twitter remains undefeated
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
🤣🤣
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..